Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
