We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
How external is "for external use only"?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
