For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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