In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
