Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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