You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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