i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
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