my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
