i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
