Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
