There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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