Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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