And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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