Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
