This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
