um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Randomize
