I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
