Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
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