Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Randomize
