sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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