i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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