it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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