ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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