My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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