It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
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