my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Randomize
