I'm passing your future prison.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
We don't watch enough power rangers
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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