He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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