If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
