Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Randomize
