i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
