I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
