just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
