he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
