I accidentally had phone sex last night
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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