Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
