Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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