Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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