last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
pray to the hookup gods
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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