I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
