i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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