there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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