You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I would ride that face into the sunset
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
