I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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