the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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