I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
