You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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