Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Randomize