Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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