In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
