My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
