I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
grandma shit on top of the toilet
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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