My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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