on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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