I think I am morally bankrupt
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
