Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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