Ambien. No doubt about it.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
that's an acceptable place to lick
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
