I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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