everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
