my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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